Jeff's latest book: Zero Stress Leadership 

By Jeff Saari

Essential skills every leader must know to turn
negativity and challenges into opportunities

WELCOME

Relationships are at the very heart of every moment. We are constantly in relationship, and even when we are alone we have the relationship with ourselves to contend with. Since there are many types of relationships—self, family, friends, coworkers, bosses, groups, teams—it behooves us to learn certain skills to be able to navigate the sometimes treacherous waters of relationships. This is because relationships can be stressful. Negative and dysfunctional relationships take a toll on personal and organizational life in the form of unproductiveness, stress, inefficiencies and disconnection.

When I ask people in the organizations I support if they want to have a bad or negative relationship, nobody ever says yes. We all want to feel connected, valued, and free. Unfortunately it doesn’t happen automatically or by osmosis; relationships are something we have to work on to master. This is important in organizational life and one of the biggest indicators of an employee’s level of engagement is how connected the relationship feels with their immediate supervisor. Connection is a worthy goal that has cogent organizational benefits.

This book is about learning and honing a few fundamental skills to be able to create vibrant relationships across your organization; in essence to move to zero-stress leadership. From boardroom to shop floor these skills are timeless and timely, and transcend roles. From top leadership positions to entry level jobs, these skills help to ‘flatten’ an organization and establish a safe place to be respectfully honest and appreciative with self and others: what I call a coaching culture.

In this book you will find a guide for honing listening skills, giving feedback, managing personal and collective emotions, refining meeting facilitation skills, and coaching conflict. Each topic is designed to be put into use immediately and not just be a journey into theory. I also include a case study at the end to illustrate how all of the skills are applied to the real world. Your ability to learn, practice, adjust, and master these skills will launch you into a positive future where innovation and collaboration are the norm.

We need to resist the temptation to relegate relationship development to the bottom of the to-do list. In the hectic pace of work these days, relationship skills tend to fly under the radar because day-to-day operations take precedence. But people, not machines run organizations. My mission is to support leaders to make relationship skills become the very fabric of the organization.

Before I unveil these skills, though, I want to give you a quick reflection about my journey. Coaching fell into my lap. When I graduated college in 2005, I was looking for a career that balanced psychology and spirituality. I had learned the art of meditation some years before, and was an avid practitioner and student of how the mind works. Also, having gone through a severe depression in my early twenties, I felt that understanding my mind was a pressing goal. I had the desire to use that experience in a career. I thought I was to become a therapist, but when I explored that field it didn’t resonate with me; it was too focused on problems and the past.

In late 2005 I put in a Google search for “careers that bridge psychology and spirituality” and out popped the word “coaching.” I knew what coaching was in a sports setting, as I was a tennis coach at a high school in the late 90’s. As I read about it and drilled down that rabbit hole, I discovered that coaching fit me perfectly. It was all about vision, goals, obstacles, supporting, and listening to people. So…I enrolled in a coaching school online and became a certified life coach in 2006. That path led me into business coaching and the kind of organizational culture work that I do now.

The content in this book comes from my experience of coaching other people both personally and in businesses/organizations. It is an amalgamation of my own philosophy and things I have learned along the way. I am thrilled to share it with you and have the utmost hope that it benefits you and your relationships, both personal and professional.

Here is a snapshot of the chapters included in this book:

Chapter One: Listening Skills. These include intention (curiosity/body language), paraphrasing, and asking the right questions. Listening is not the same as hearing. When we clarify why we are “listening,” we see that it is a powerful strategy. Paraphrasing is the ability to restate the words and feelings of others in your own words. Lastly, becoming a master questioner is essential in being curious and coaching another person.

Chapter Two: Trigger Management. This means to be able to manage one’s own emotions in various settings. To be able to manage frustration, for example, one needs some self-awareness of what triggers it and what actions one might take to mitigate it. I have created a STARR model, which can be helpful in learning more constructive ways to navigate through tough emotional experiences and patterns. Conflict is a natural part of any relationship and is an opportunity for growth, collaboration and innovation.

Chapter Three: Feedback. This is an essential tool for every toolbox. Unfortunately few master how it is done. The feedback handout gives you an easy-to-use guideline for constructing what to say. The hard part is not the “how”; it’s actually doing it. There are many reasons we don’t give feedback freely: not wanting to hurt others’ feelings, not wanting to make someone else mad, etc. Feedback is the essential skill for holding others accountable as well as continual personal growth.

Chapter Four: Meeting Facilitation Skills. These are crucial to powerful relationships. Meetings abound in nonprofit and business settings, yet like feedback these are skills that are rarely learned or honed. By being able to design and lead more effective and efficient meetings, your relationships will be taken to another level and goodwill will ensue. Meeting facilitation has many facets, such as having a space for conflict to avail itself. Just this skill alone can take a team to new heights. Meetings led well are an incredible leverage point for change in an organization. Building relationship and appreciation are also staples of this tool.

Lastly, Chapter Five: Coaching Conflict. Conflict is a normal part of relationships. Unfortunately most people in organizations avoid it at all costs. This is especially troublesome in management positions, when there is accountability to be had. When people are in conflict we tend to either avoid it or get upset. By entertaining and mastering conflict, it becomes an opportunity for learning and bringing the relationship and organization to new heights.

Good luck and happy practicing!
Jeff