The End of Self-Abuse

We all have moments where we beat ourselves up. We make mistakes and do or say things we shouldn’t have done or didn’t really want to do. This can lead us to be hard on ourselves, to be judgmental internally. We say things like “I am a terrible person” or “I can’t believe I did that again!” Such internal conversations come from a lifetime of ideals and values that we have for ourselves, either ones we develop or that others instilled into us early on. Self-flagellation creates a negativity within us that is stressful, and under duress stress hormones wreak havoc with our bodies and minds. If you take the time to catalog and reflect on the self-abuse that is present from day-to-day, you can begin to work on it. What you don’t notice persists unconsciously. What we need to be able to do is to spot these trouble areas and stop the stress; this is within our control.

Self-abuse has a value however, to let us know that we aren’t acting in accordance to how we think we should or want to act. If you are a parent you know this well. Not many parents would say “I love yelling at my kid”. It may be safe to say that most parents have a value or ideal that they want to be a kind, compassionate and supportive parent, and yelling doesn’t really fit this picture. But, parenting can produce negative feelings that lead us to yell. It may be safe to say too that when you yell, the aftermath of that has you feeling like crap about yourself and beating yourself up to some degree. Yelling is an action we take to try to control our environment, sometimes which leads to the illusion of success. Maybe the child listens, but more out of fear than respect. And does anyone want their child to be scared of them? Not likely. So this cycle of negative trigger, negative action and negative self-abuse can be brought out into the daylight by putting awareness to it. And as we become aware of this energy inside of us, let us not beat ourselves up for beating ourselves up!

Here’s What we need to do. As you feel a negative trigger/feeling from something that has happened that isn’t ideal, say missing a deadline at work, see if you can calm your negative emotion down by breathing deeply into your belly. Just calm yourself down sufficiently so you can think about how to proceed. You could beat yourself up and follow that route of energy drainage, or you can think about what action might support a positive feeling and outcome. In the missed deadline example learning what happened to enact the breech could be a positive action, that is chalk it up to learning. Or maybe some communication with others involved needs to happen so it doesn’t happen in the future. Or maybe a better system for time management is needed. Self-abuse doesn’t have to happen and hinders our ability to solve the problem at hand or to instill learning, which is necessary for future positive outcomes. In the case of parenting, instead of yelling you can come up with other strategies to get the need you have to have your child listen better (1,2,3 counting method, etc.). It is completely amazing when you can stop the negative self-abuse train by calming down a trigger and engaging your rational mind instead of your fight or flight emotional mind. You can remember the values you have of being a competent worker or compassionate parent and let those values and ideals guide your behavior. So next time you are triggered, just stop and breath, calm down and think about what you really want and what you value and see if an action can flow from that instead of an automatic knee-jerk reaction that can lead to self-abuse.e

The Anatomy of Organizational Culture Development

In a recent effort to understand and document what I do with organizations to develop the ‘people’ side of things, I came up with 8 concepts that any organization could follow, sort of like a template. A leader (CEO, CFO, middle manager) can use these themes to deepen the buy-in of their supervisees and bolster collaboration and thus innovation. As people deal with their stressors and increase their communication skills negative team behaviors begin to decrease. As the dial of negativity (avoidance, sarcasm, aggression) gets turned down, the dial of learning, optimism, focus on results and strengths gets turned up. People begin to relate to each other more empathically and a flat organization is created, one that sees each other as equals fulfilling the mission and vision of the organization. I developed a series of 8 meetings from these concepts that I have created or integrated into my work. You will see that in all of the meetings I build in appreciations and relationship building activities. These build trust over time. Below is an overview, which I will flesh out each of the specific meetings as well as the art of facilitation in future blogs. I hope you enjoy!

Meeting 1: Triggers

Frame the overarching purpose of the 8 meetings: to meet each other as human beings, to get to know ourselves, to increase morale, to learn more about each other, etc.
Appreciations (to self, to others, to life)
Relationship Building activity (R.B. for short): What is one thing you love about working with this agency?
Is anyone done learning discussion
STARR model workshop
Closing

Meeting 2: Giving Feedback

Check-in from previous meeting
Appreciations
R.B.: Find 2 things you don’t know about the person (pair up)
Feedback workshop
Closing

Meeting 3: Receiving Feedback

Check-in from previous meeting
Appreciations
R.B.: dialogue about role (educate each other)
Receiving feedback workshop (includes defensiveness)
Closing

Meeting 4: Listening

Check-in from previous meeting
Appreciations
R.B.: Pair up and find one thing that is going well and one thing that is not going so well
Listening skills workshop
Closing

Meeting 5: Teamwork

Check-in from previous meeting
Appreciations
R.B.: penny activity (everyone gets a penny and looks at the year and says one thing about that year that is significant)
Ask: what is a team? What are the qualities?
What is conflict activity
Index card activity: strength and weakness
Synergy activity: 1+1=3
Closing

Meeting 6: Intention and Impact

Check-in from previous meeting
Appreciations
R.B.: Talk about a positive deed that you did recently (pairs up)
Intention and impact matrix (positive+positive=positive, etc.)
Closing

Meeting 7: Verbal Communication

Check-in from previous meeting
Appreciations
R.B.: what are you learning about recently?
Why are some components of verbal communication?
Assumptions: cow activity
Thing-a-majig activity or Back-to-back activity
Closing

Meeting 8: Team Building Game

Check-in form previous meeting
Appreciations
R.B.: What have you learned from our past 7 meetings?
Pick a team building game (helium stick, toxic waste, puzzling puzzles, bridge activity, etc.)
Closing

You will be amazed over time what happens when you bring these concepts to your team. As I said earlier I will take each module and give the details in subsequent posts so you can replicate this or modify it for your organization.

Culture Work Gardening Analogy

I recently worked with a non-profit Board and staff to resolve conflict from an extenuating negative situation. Because this organization has to do with nature programming and education I used a metaphor of ‘Growing Forward’ as the title of my joint meeting with them. I wanted to help each side of the proverbial fence see that their growth as an individual and overall culture was akin to a garden. I worked independently with the Board and staff groups first to set the stage for this all-hands meeting.

A garden needs many things to happen to be successful: soil, seed, organics, rain, weeding, and sun, all which lead to germination, vegetation and harvest. I proposed that the people involved look at themselves through the lens of each element and ponder various things related to them. I created various activities and exercises to gain buy-in over the course of the meeting. I arbitrarily assigned each element to a coaching principle and I sought to sow seeds in fertile soil and begin to let the fertilizer, sun and rain work their magic. I believe we accomplished some germination.

I began the meeting with a call to let it rain. The coaching principle for rain I used appreciation and relationship building activities. I opened the space to let it rain down appreciation for self, other or the organization in general. Appreciation is the glue that binds us and is the most common complaint from people that I hear. Relationship building is simply the concept of getting to know each other personally and professionally a little bit better so we can relate to each other as human beings and break some of the assumptions we have of each other. I paired a Board member with a staff member and had them find 2 or 3 things that they didn’t know about each other and then report that to the group. The energy was really positive after the rain rained down.

I used the concept of soil and seeds next to represent the desire to move forward. If desire is not present then a garden cannot be as fruitful. I had each person assess for themselves on a scale of 1-10 how ready they were to move forward and what they still needed to move forward. I asked everyone to consider taking 100% responsibility for their thoughts and feelings and to move out of blame and into a possibility standpoint.

Next I brought out the manure (organic fertilizer). I attached negativity to manure and tried to show the participants that negativity can be a powerful force for change. When we are harboring negativity, or act negatively it means that we care about something, or that something has been transgressed. I showed them a model of trigger management and had them consider that their negativity was actually needed to make the soil rich. Human beings working closely with one another are bound to experience negativity and conflict, it is what we do with this that makes all the difference. In this meeting we were able to voice some past and current triggers and work through them successfully.

After this I brought in the concept of skillful ways of acting, or norms that I likened to vegetation. As we are in real-time together, we can be growing together all the time. One thing we need to grow is feedback skills. We need to know where we stand with our performance and attitude and we need others to help us become more self-aware. Feedback can be a scary thing to give and receive but the payoff is huge. Thick, vibrant stalks grow from consistent positive and constructive feedback.

Next I brought the Sun to bear on our meeting. I used the analogy of vision for the Sun and asked folks what they envisioned for the culture of their organization going forward. I used a ‘word-build’ exercise where I asked people to think of 4 words that best describe the culture they want to work in. Then I paired them up and had them cull their list of 8 to 4. Then I did it again with groups of 4 until we landed with 8 words (culled down from roughly 42 words). These words gave birth to those values or norms that they hold dear and that can inform their collective behavior.

Lastly I used the concept of harvest to denote accountability and leadership. I sought to show everyone that we are all leaders of the organization, even if we don’t have a leadership title. Every one of us can burn with passion for the mission, vision and culture and hold self and others accountable for that. I call this a ‘flat’ organization where everyone is relating as equals and fear and negativity are turned to low. This is always my noble ideal when I work with organizations and collaboration and innovation are outcomes of this ideal.

This particular organization has reported that our Growing Forward meeting was a success. They walked away feeling more connected, self-aware, and having more skills to use with each other. The road won’t be easy of course and one meeting won’t do it! But, we effectively got the garden kick started and all the elements at least within the ballpark. Use these principles in your organization for similar effects.

8 Tips for Building Trust

Mutual trust is a shared belief that we can depend on each other to achieve a common purpose. Most management gurus articulate that trust is the most foundational thing that you can do to build a relationship, build a team, or build a company. Here are 8 tips to create or enhance trust in your unique world:

1. See other people not just as employees fulfilling a job description but as human beings with strengths and challenges, hopes and dreams just like you (humility, empathy, and common humanity);
2. Display genuine curiosity in getting to know people—show them that you truly are interested in them as a person and not just what they can do for you;
3. Display integrity and honesty with others by being impeccable with your word (fulfilling promises and commitments such as getting people resources they need, speaking the truth, not speaking negatively about others, confidentiality etc.);
4. Show genuine specific appreciation as much as possible;
5. Admit when you are wrong and seek corrective action (apology, etc.);
6. Actively seek feedback as to how you can make your relationships better;
7. Notice your tendency to take things personally and seek openly to understand why; we tend to want to protect our weaknesses from others and put on a mask, real trust requires vulnerability with showing our not-so-perfect self;
8. Use humor and lightheartedness as a tool for connection (e.g. don’t be too serious).

Intention and Impact

When was the last time you asked yourself how you impact other people (spouse, boss, co-worker, children, etc.)? I find that most of us have honest and wholesome intentions in terms of our behavior towards others. We don’t usually wake up and say “I can’t wait to impact people negatively today”. This is a beautiful part of our humanity, to have and uphold values of care, understanding, support, etc. And it is nice when the impact matches our positive intentions; all is right in the world. That being said, sometimes our intention does not match the impact on others. We may have a positive intention that leaves a negative impact. How is this possible? How could a good intention turn bad? One example from a business that I support: A co-worker wanted some training on another employee’s machine and asked the other machine operator for it. The machine operator said that he would train this person at a certain time. The boss then came in and asked this machine operator to do something else, which distracted the machine operator from following through on the training of his fellow worker (not a negative intention). The worker then became upset at the breech (negative impact) and began to avoid this person (negative intention stemming from a negative impact). This became a great coaching moment in the business for these two workers. The machine operator got to see that he made a misstep in forgetting to follow through and the co-worker was able to see that his negative impact caused him to react negatively. When I asked these two guys if they wanted to impact each other negatively they said an emphatic ‘NO!’. Yet, it happened. When we get triggered by others, we may have an assumption about the intent of the other person, as illustrated in this example. This can lead us to have a negative intention ourselves, which rarely leads to a positive impact. It would be interesting for you to contemplate and potentially ask for ways that we impact others negatively (often inadvertently of course). Methods such as 360 degree feedback instruments get at this in organizations. But you don’t have to be that formal. You can simply be more on to yourself and/or you can ask others. But behold, you must be ready for the feedback you get as it may not be pretty. This is an aspect of our journey to mastery, use it liberally.

The Folly of Defensiveness

When was the last time you got defensive in the face of information about YOU that you didn’t want to hear? We all know what this feels like: an attack on the very fabric of who we think we are or what we stand for. Becoming defensive is a strategy we take to take the heat off owning up to something not so pretty about ourselves. This largely happens outside our conscious choice and we become victims of the circumstance at hand. Question though: Why would we ever have to feel defensive? What are we trying to defend? Behind the wall of guardedness lay an immaculate truth about yourself. It could be a less-than-ideal image or thought about yourself, a past trauma or hurt, or something else lurking behind there. Usually defensiveness comes out as aggressiveness, like sending back an email message laden with frustration for example. It is even worse when someone confronts you negatively about something you did wrong, or not up to their expectations.

If you become adept at letting your guard down and stopping the defensiveness to see if there is something you can own up to and what that means to your ego, something interesting happens. First, anxiety overtakes you because the information given dislodges the image or persona that you project outward. This is very unsettling and the tendency to want to fight back or avoid the situation comes up. But, if you can sit with the anxiety and let it breath, let it be what it is, even though it feels uncomfortable, at a certain point clarity will come through the confusing cloud of unknowing. On the other side of defensiveness is the promise land, that place that realizes that the good and bad are two sides of the same coin. If you can acknowledge and befriend those broken and unresolved parts of yourself you in essence fortify yourself to other assaults, because the jig is up. You don’t have to pretend to be something you are not. Defensiveness is an action we take from a triggered situation, which leaves a disconnected result. Few people can trod this path of excellence. Be one of those few.