Zero Reaction July

This past month I undertook an experiment: To sufficiently and consistently manage my actions on the face of ‘negative’ triggered emotional states. I originally wanted to call it Zero Stress July, but upon further reflection I realized that I can’t necessarily control or foresee situations that may pop up that I might feel stress. Case in point: My only major reaction all month was to being stuck in traffic on the ride up to vacation in Maine. We got off the highway for lunch and in downtown Kittery and the traffic was gridlocked. Being on the road for two hours already and ready to have a break, I felt stressed and reacted by raising my voice, being judgmental, and getting short with my family. This all lasted for about 5 or 10 minutes, when I realized what was going on, that I was having a knee jerk reaction to something I couldn’t control. My whole intention for Zero Reaction July was to take a month and be hyper focused on breathing in the face of any stressful feelings that came up from life situations. My hypothesis was that if I could breath and calm myself down in the face of my triggers, then I could actually keep my well-being intact and choose consciously what action I would take to remediate the stressful feeling. I forgot this in traffic and I had a minor meltdown.

What I teach and coach in my work is that negative actions or behaviors are not usually what support our highest values and aspirations for great relationships at home and at work. I call actions such as sarcasm, gossip, avoidance, eye rolling, and yelling negative because they don’t usually get us a desired result that we really want. How is gossiping about a co-worker’s tardiness going to resolve the issue? How is sarcasm about someone’s personal style going to change it? These actions are understandable because they are seeking to release the unease we feel in a situation, but they usually aren’t too helpful. And for that matter if we are in control of our own well-being, then we wouldn’t consciously choose to be negative. I haven’t met anyone yet in my work who wants to have negative reactions to others. But sometimes we feel that we are at our wits end and that yelling, for instance, is the only thing that will work (it does get results but also creates fear or frustration on those being yelled at).

One really interesting insight that came up for me in July was that if I feel hungry, agitated at all, or tired, then I will have the propensity to get triggered and react negatively more easily, as was the case on the highway (tired). I also realized that we have many expectations in life, such as having your child listen to you, that sometimes aren’t met. When our expectations are breeched we can have a tendency to have a knee-jerk reaction as well.

So all of July, I focused on breathing in the face of any negative feeling, such as anxiety, frustration, anger, loneliness, sadness, etc. When a negative feeling would pop in it was if an alarm went off in my head to take some deep breaths. What tends to happen to me is when I get frustrated I let out a deep sigh, like I have been burdened. I must admit that I caught myself sigh a few times, but the sigh would actually point me to deeper breathing instead of my head full of judgment and blame. Then when sufficiently calm, I could take an action that support my values. One action was to let go of whatever is bothering me, not in a denial way, but a self-coaching “this isn’t a big deal” sort of way, you know, sort of letting go of control. That worked sometimes. Another action was to state the feeling that I felt, such as “I am feeling frustrated that you are listening to daddy,” for instance. One other was to give feedback about a situation, which is similar to the last action, just a bit more formal. And yet one other one was to just change the setting or subject (like going outside for a walk, or turning some music on). Lastly, used sparingly, another action could be to be pointed, not mean, but straight in no uncertain terms with the person that you mean business. These are all more positive strategic actions that you can choose, the operative word being choose, when under duress, if you slow down enough to remember them and not fall prey to negativity.

I read a bumper sticker recently that said “Be calm, and Carry on”. This is the gist of what I am saying. Unfortunately it’s not that easy and I wonder if the person who’s car has this sticker remembers this under duress. My guess is probably not. It is an empty platitude until you put the rubber on the road and practice, practice, practice. This is what Zero Reaction July was all about. As a consequence of the positive outcomes of this practice, I am happy to report that I have moved into Zero Reaction August. I throw the gauntlet out to you and would love to hear comments about how it goes for you and what you find on this journey of lessening stress in your life.

Feedback for Feedback

Feedback is an immensely helpful tool in organizations. We need feedback to grow, learn, get better. 

I had the privilege of working with a colleague of mine yesterday to bring an hour of hard skills meets soft skills for business leaders and owners. The topic I chose to present on was the art of feedback. Feedback is an immensely helpful tool in organizations. We need feedback to grow, learn, get better. But, feedback is also uncomfortable to give at times because we risk conflict, upsetting others, and stirring the pot. This is a clash of values that I see all the time (even within myself): Tell the truth and be uncomfortable or not speak up and feel comfortable? Avoidance is easy, but it does have a cost: Nothing gets changed! And, I may add that being comfortable by avoidance feels good in the short term but is ultimately uncomfortable in the long run.

I define feedback as information delivered in the present moment about past performance or attitude to affect a future performance or attitude for the better. Feedback can be given as well as received, and it is either appreciative or constructive in my opinion. It is never meant to be destructive. Unfortunately when we get upset, we tend to give others feedback that is destructive, or at least negative: cold shoulder, eye rolls, stonewalling, yelling, etc. None of these actions are helpful. Feedback is a positive direct action that you can take to try to change something that seems amiss in your world.

So, here is the roadmap:

What is the problem? Example: A part designed by an engineer has a flaw in it.

Appreciation (Can you find one thing that you genuinely appreciate about this person?): For example (in a manufacturing setting): “I appreciate the time and detail you spent on the design of that metal part.”

Clear and Specific (What behavior do you want changed? What did you notice specifically that happened?): “I noticed however that part is susceptible to vibration based on its specs.”

Impact Describe the effect or feeling the errant behavior or outcome has on you, the customer and/or the business. : “If a customer has a faulty part then the products they are using the part in will be in jeopardy and this can have adverse consequences for their business.”

Request (What do you want to see specifically happen in the future; make a request on how it could be better). “So I would like you to rework the specs and make adjustments for the vibration potential.”

Now put all of these points (bolded in the above example) in a paragraph and deliver it. You can write it down for yourself first just to get clear on the points and practice it a few times before giving it. Delivering the feedback in person is the best way to proceed in my opinion. Make sure you are in a calm emotional space and conducive environment (not too noisy, etc.). Make sure to listen to how the person takes the feedback, they may have some valid points to consider that may shape your understanding of the situation differently. Most people upon hearing the feedback accept it and will change. This is what I call one-and-done feedback.

Some others may get defensive. If a person becomes defensive and begins to blame others, for example, simply take a deep breath and ask the person what they heard you say? This has them reiterate from their perspective what the feedback meant for them, what they heard. You may find that they are judging themselves too critically or that they have some information that you didn’t consider. Be open to changing your mind all the while staying firm in the outcome that you want. This is a delicate balance.

One other thing to consider is the possible emotional and mental space that the person you want to give feedback may be in at that particular time. For instance, if a person is just coming off an absence because of a family death, it might be good to wait a little while before delivering feedback.

Use these steps the next time you need to give someone in your business feedback. You’ll find that done right and often, feedback creates a culture that values it.

Team Building for a Large Group

I recently had the immense pleasure to facilitate a team building activity for 110 people for a local non-profit organization, where I do some work with various teams and leaders to support better communication and collaboration. My contribution for this activity was nested in the annual staff day. Upon talking to people about this event and reflecting on what activity would be best to do, I decided on the bridge building activity. The activity and game were very successful and I had just about 100% participation, which amounted to 110 people, by far the biggest group I had worked with heretofore. Below is most of the ‘speech’ I gave before the activity as well as the guidelines for the game itself. I began with getting the crowd to shout 3 times to my call “Are you ready?” to get some collective energy going. Then I thanked those people that brought me to the table as well as those people I work with in the agency. I also set up ground rules, such as no side conversations, bring your best to the game, be respectful of others’ styles, etc. Then I had people look across the table from one another and ascertain what they really love about working in the organization.

Today is very special and I am honored to be part of the festivities. This is an auspicious occasion to put our best feet forward and move in an energized collective direction. Change, challenges and even trauma are inevitable in life as well as org life. They can bring upset, volatility and negativity. Most of you folks have had your share of these things over the last couple years in your organization. But in the midst of change and challenge is an opportunity to come together, to foster positive regard and collaboration for the betterment of each other and the organization, to move forward in the best possible way. It is also an opportunity to understand yourself deeper and more fully. What do you need? What do you envision? What do you want? What makes you tick? These generative ideas and insights can cross-pollinate and take root over time when we reflect on them.

If I asked you all why you work here, most of you would say that you deeply care about the mission and relationships at this organization, that it’s not just a job. You resonate with the values of dignity, respect, and empowerment for those in need. And playing off these values the hope for the vibrant future lies with you! It is my belief that to build a culture of continued greatness, of positivity and transparency, of accountability and collaboration, it rests on each of our shoulders, not just the Executives and the Board. Each and every one of us has the ability to transform the agency in real time, right now, because the now is all we ever have. We can go from a collection of “I’s” to a collective “we”. After all there is no us vs. them. We are all on the same team, supporting the same mission and vision at the same organization. We just happen to do different roles.

So how can we achieve this? 5 things to think about: First off, we need to appreciate each other more. Not many people I have crossed paths with have complained about having too much of it. Best of all it is free. Dole out specific appreciation as much as you can. Secondly, getting to know each other is another paramount strategy. By building stronger relationships with people across departments people feel more connected and the us vs. them diminishes. Thirdly, managing your negative emotions and calming yourself down quick enough to not take a negative action. By understanding that you are 100% responsible for your emotions and actions liberates you to choose wisely how to address something challenging. Fourthly, the art of feedback, being able to talk straight to each other respectfully for what we are seeing and wanting to be different. It is risky but one of the most prescient tools that I know of to transform a culture. And finally, is our ability to listen deeply to each other. In the midst of a busy day, listening intently can take the backseat, which can cause a lot of problems and stress inadvertently. Open your ears more and you will reap the rewards.

So, today we are building a metaphorical bridge to the future and each other. A bridge is a structure that supports you to get from point A-B, to stop and reflect, or to get over some trouble or turbulence with ease. Sturdy bridges have solid foundations and enough support for each span so that it can take the load of the weight it is bearing. In the outer sense you act as bridges every day, connecting resources and services to people who desperately need them. What the bridge activity is about is a symbol of the internal bridge building that is needed to take this organization into a phenomenal future.
The bridge foundation is always trust, building trust through appreciation, relationship building and transparency. The supports are speaking up respectfully, managing negativity and listening well. The span is how these translate up and down and across the organization and hold each other accountable for the culture we want to create.

So now to the actual bridge building game: The purpose of this game is to foster friendly competition between teams, to build teamwork, to collaborate, to problem-solve and create and to learn about yourself on the team you are on.

Here is the objective: to build a bridge using newspaper and tape, that can support the water jug and have the basin pass through underneath the long way. There are many aspects to consider when contributing to the group: who is good at strategy, implementation, leadership? Also, consider how you facilitate the time together. Is it chaotic or do you put form to who speaks when? Only 3 groups will stand the test of the judges. You will be judged on creativity and functionality. It must be free standing, no taping it to the table.
You will have 8 minutes to plan it, feel free to use the paper on the tables to draw ideas. Then you will have 12 minutes to build. Then I will give you 4 minutes to re-assess then 6 minutes to finish. I will keep the time and let you know when to change. After we finish we will each show our bridge and the judges will take note. 3 groups will win a prize. Any questions?

Debrief questions (after building and judging): What did you learn about being part of this team? What did you learn about yourself? (have people shout out the answers one at a time).

Thank you for engaging in this activity and here is to the future of building bridges.

Stress and Mindfulness

We all know what stress feels like: Negative thoughts and emotions cloud our experience and leave us depleted. Upon a perceived non-ideal situation our brains have us react to these situations in a fight or flight mode. We either become aggressive, passive aggressive, or avoidant. If your boss wants you to do something but you don’t want to do it, it may feel too threatening to talk to him or her about it thus avoidance occurs and we effectively give a dishonest yes. If someone cuts you off in traffic you may be more apt to become aggressive because your job isn’t at stake. The body also takes a toll and the ‘stress response’ includes symptoms such as sour stomach, headache, tight chest, shallow breathing, and insomnia, to name a few. It manifests differently for each of us but is usually some combination of these. And…the ravages of stress in the long-term are well documented.

Certain stimuli give us a run for our money: Multi-tasking too many things at once, unresolved relationships or tasks, job dissatisfaction, lack of adequate pay, lack of appreciation, etc. Most times stress happens because of our reaction to stimuli in the environment; we create a lot of our stress by how we process and think about situations. Unfortunately it is literally impossible to think fully rationally when we are under stress, so our fight or flight reactions leave the situations perpetuated and stress unchallenged. There is hope however, that we can give ourselves the gift of less stress and happier lives. Mindfulness practice is one tool to help you get off the stress treadmill.

Mindfulness is our ability to live in the present moment. It allows us to create spaciousness where clutter exists. It allows us to get perspective on our situations without reacting so much and thus eliciting a calming response to our stressful reactions and feelings. When things happen that we don’t like we react with negative thoughts and feelings and think that the stimulus is to blame for how we are feeling. But we have it backwards. We are actually in charge of our thoughts and feelings and how we react or respond to stimuli. We may not always be able to control life, but we can control more our internal experience to give us more relief and perspective. Stimuli, thoughts, feelings, actions all happen in the present moment. Everything is NOW. The past or future are experienced as thoughts, bodily sensations, and feelings in the NOW. So everything is happening in real-time. As we realize that life is always in this moment we can become more in control of ourselves whatever the winds conjure up. But this takes practice.

Mindfulness is a practice of tuning into your experience of body, mind and emotions from moment-to-moment as much as we can. It is simply about noticing what is happening ‘out there’ and ‘in here’. This noticing is the ground for self-awareness and self-reflection. If things trigger a stress response and we can, instead of reacting with frustration, calm down and notice what triggered us and maybe how it could be different, then we have enacted a different operating system. Mindfulness gives us self-awareness, that tiny little window to know what is happening and thus giving us a choice on how to respond, instead of being knee-jerk and automatic in our reactions. Mindfulness is best achieved formally through the process of meditation, focusing on one’s breath in a calm environment. ‘Watching’ your breath helps you to anchor yourself in your body so that you can be more present with your body, thoughts, and emotions. You will find, as most people do, that there is a ‘monkey-mind’ syndrome that happens when you begin to sit in quiet. The thoughts in your head start to amplify and jump from one thing to another at lightning speed. This is natural, and uncomfortable. It is a challenge to see what is going on inside your head, but the more you give yourself this gift, the more mastery you will have over how you choose to respond to stimuli. Spaciousness begins to creep into your experience and you become more settled. Start small, 2 minutes in a chair or on the edge of your bed. Just sit, relax, breath, keep your back erect, and your eyes relaxed or closed.

The End of Self-Abuse

We all have moments where we beat ourselves up. We make mistakes and do or say things we shouldn’t have done or didn’t really want to do. This can lead us to be hard on ourselves, to be judgmental internally. We say things like “I am a terrible person” or “I can’t believe I did that again!” Such internal conversations come from a lifetime of ideals and values that we have for ourselves, either ones we develop or that others instilled into us early on. Self-flagellation creates a negativity within us that is stressful, and under duress stress hormones wreak havoc with our bodies and minds. If you take the time to catalog and reflect on the self-abuse that is present from day-to-day, you can begin to work on it. What you don’t notice persists unconsciously. What we need to be able to do is to spot these trouble areas and stop the stress; this is within our control.

Self-abuse has a value however, to let us know that we aren’t acting in accordance to how we think we should or want to act. If you are a parent you know this well. Not many parents would say “I love yelling at my kid”. It may be safe to say that most parents have a value or ideal that they want to be a kind, compassionate and supportive parent, and yelling doesn’t really fit this picture. But, parenting can produce negative feelings that lead us to yell. It may be safe to say too that when you yell, the aftermath of that has you feeling like crap about yourself and beating yourself up to some degree. Yelling is an action we take to try to control our environment, sometimes which leads to the illusion of success. Maybe the child listens, but more out of fear than respect. And does anyone want their child to be scared of them? Not likely. So this cycle of negative trigger, negative action and negative self-abuse can be brought out into the daylight by putting awareness to it. And as we become aware of this energy inside of us, let us not beat ourselves up for beating ourselves up!

Here’s What we need to do. As you feel a negative trigger/feeling from something that has happened that isn’t ideal, say missing a deadline at work, see if you can calm your negative emotion down by breathing deeply into your belly. Just calm yourself down sufficiently so you can think about how to proceed. You could beat yourself up and follow that route of energy drainage, or you can think about what action might support a positive feeling and outcome. In the missed deadline example learning what happened to enact the breech could be a positive action, that is chalk it up to learning. Or maybe some communication with others involved needs to happen so it doesn’t happen in the future. Or maybe a better system for time management is needed. Self-abuse doesn’t have to happen and hinders our ability to solve the problem at hand or to instill learning, which is necessary for future positive outcomes. In the case of parenting, instead of yelling you can come up with other strategies to get the need you have to have your child listen better (1,2,3 counting method, etc.). It is completely amazing when you can stop the negative self-abuse train by calming down a trigger and engaging your rational mind instead of your fight or flight emotional mind. You can remember the values you have of being a competent worker or compassionate parent and let those values and ideals guide your behavior. So next time you are triggered, just stop and breath, calm down and think about what you really want and what you value and see if an action can flow from that instead of an automatic knee-jerk reaction that can lead to self-abuse.e

The Anatomy of Organizational Culture Development

In a recent effort to understand and document what I do with organizations to develop the ‘people’ side of things, I came up with 8 concepts that any organization could follow, sort of like a template. A leader (CEO, CFO, middle manager) can use these themes to deepen the buy-in of their supervisees and bolster collaboration and thus innovation. As people deal with their stressors and increase their communication skills negative team behaviors begin to decrease. As the dial of negativity (avoidance, sarcasm, aggression) gets turned down, the dial of learning, optimism, focus on results and strengths gets turned up. People begin to relate to each other more empathically and a flat organization is created, one that sees each other as equals fulfilling the mission and vision of the organization. I developed a series of 8 meetings from these concepts that I have created or integrated into my work. You will see that in all of the meetings I build in appreciations and relationship building activities. These build trust over time. Below is an overview, which I will flesh out each of the specific meetings as well as the art of facilitation in future blogs. I hope you enjoy!

Meeting 1: Triggers

Frame the overarching purpose of the 8 meetings: to meet each other as human beings, to get to know ourselves, to increase morale, to learn more about each other, etc.
Appreciations (to self, to others, to life)
Relationship Building activity (R.B. for short): What is one thing you love about working with this agency?
Is anyone done learning discussion
STARR model workshop
Closing

Meeting 2: Giving Feedback

Check-in from previous meeting
Appreciations
R.B.: Find 2 things you don’t know about the person (pair up)
Feedback workshop
Closing

Meeting 3: Receiving Feedback

Check-in from previous meeting
Appreciations
R.B.: dialogue about role (educate each other)
Receiving feedback workshop (includes defensiveness)
Closing

Meeting 4: Listening

Check-in from previous meeting
Appreciations
R.B.: Pair up and find one thing that is going well and one thing that is not going so well
Listening skills workshop
Closing

Meeting 5: Teamwork

Check-in from previous meeting
Appreciations
R.B.: penny activity (everyone gets a penny and looks at the year and says one thing about that year that is significant)
Ask: what is a team? What are the qualities?
What is conflict activity
Index card activity: strength and weakness
Synergy activity: 1+1=3
Closing

Meeting 6: Intention and Impact

Check-in from previous meeting
Appreciations
R.B.: Talk about a positive deed that you did recently (pairs up)
Intention and impact matrix (positive+positive=positive, etc.)
Closing

Meeting 7: Verbal Communication

Check-in from previous meeting
Appreciations
R.B.: what are you learning about recently?
Why are some components of verbal communication?
Assumptions: cow activity
Thing-a-majig activity or Back-to-back activity
Closing

Meeting 8: Team Building Game

Check-in form previous meeting
Appreciations
R.B.: What have you learned from our past 7 meetings?
Pick a team building game (helium stick, toxic waste, puzzling puzzles, bridge activity, etc.)
Closing

You will be amazed over time what happens when you bring these concepts to your team. As I said earlier I will take each module and give the details in subsequent posts so you can replicate this or modify it for your organization.