“Get to” versus “Have to”

Obligation is an interesting topic, those things that require us to show up and do them: pay the mortgage, go to work, take the kids to school, monogamy, paying bills, you get the gist. We all know well the ‘have to’s’ in life. These obligations can weigh on us, pressuring us, cause us stress. Does anyone want stress? I’m not talking about the stress (eustress) one feels before a performance or deep Crossfit workout, for instance. That’s a good kind of stress, helps you perform at your peak because you want to do those things. What I mean is the distress, those times that leave us frazzled, uptight, demoralized. I call this the ‘get to’ vs. ‘have to’ mentality and duality. Upon further inspection of our ‘have to’s’, they don’t really hold up. Do you have to do anything? Really, follow the logic here. Are you free to do absolutely nothing in life? Some people get this right away, while others buck this concept. Now I am not trying to obligate you to look at your obligations, but it might be a good practice to engage in. After all, any negative energy you feel in life is a drain, a piece of you that isn’t whole, isn’t free.

Don’t we all want freedom? It may be time to inspect your ‘have to’s’ and inquire why you have to do these things. In fact, pick one thing in your life that is a ‘have to’ and follow it through. Why do you have to do it? Are you free not to? Why or why not? This all comes to down to choices we make from our values. For instance, I am free not to pay my mortgage, this is true. But, I actually get to pay it because I value where I live, value my daughter growing up in it, and love it. There is no stress, no ‘have to’. I get to do it. Words convey energy. Often times just changing a ‘have to’ to a ‘get to’ creates a subtle shift in your psychology, your emotions, even in your body, only if you believe it that is. You can relate to a ‘have to’ while saying ‘get to’ but still believing ‘have to’; in essence you are trying to manipulate your mind. Your mind is very smart however and it won’t hold up for long. This goes beyond semantics. Just think about a time, say, you wanted to go to the gym, maybe around New Year’s. You start going, but it feels like a should, a have to, so it doesn’t last very long because your mind is smarter than your will. Willpower is a ‘have to’ with a nice word attached to it. Start scanning the words you use. Do you use should, must, need, have to and other words or phrases that convey obligation? Inspect them as to why, you may be enlightened.

Some of my clients have a solid case of the ‘have-to’s’. They give people what I call a ‘dishonest yes’ and take things on because they think they should or must. When I challenge them to see this, things begin to change. They get to either keep doing it because of some higher value they have or they get to stop the behavior. It is amazing when you can clear up your own energy and turn the dial to more positivity and connection. It really is pretty simple. Wrapped in every obligation is a precious opportunity. Just today I was sitting with a manager at a non-profit who was feeling obligated to hold a supervisee accountable. As we talked through his negative lens on it, we emerged with a ‘get to’ attitude, that holding another person accountable for their role or attitude is a precious opportunity to make things right from his perspective. We essentially went from a drag to feeling auspicious in 15 minutes. It was quite cool to see the obligation unthaw and give way to a new path, a new vision, a potential new way.

Synchronicity

These amazing experiences fly through the window over and over again, availing themselves for me to partake in their mystery.

For a long time now I have had very interesting experiences happen in my life. These experiences range from very dramatic to very subtle, but nonetheless they seem to be here to stay. I call them synchronicity. Case in point: A few weeks ago I went to another city nearby to talk to a prospective client. Upon getting to the business, we agreed that since it was a beautiful day that we go outside and talk at a picnic table across a field. As we arrived at the picnic table we all sat down, and upon sitting down inscribed right in front of me on the top of the table was Jeff S. in big letters.

What is going on here? I can almost bank on something cool like this happening weekly. I told my chiropractor/kinesiologist about this, and he got. In fact he experiences it frequently as well. On one recent appointment he brought me a book, appropriately named “Synchronicity”, and I started reading it a few nights ago. It documents the work of Carl Jung and Wolfgang Pauli, psychologist and physicist, on their journey to figure out just what synchronicity is. After I read the first chapter, pretty heady stuff by the way, I put the book down and meditated for awhile. Then I drifted off to sleep. While sleeping I had a dream about Wisconsin for some reason, I won’t give you the details but there it is. So I woke up the next day had the day off with my daughter. I knew that Wisconsin had some part to play in my day, so I just relaxed and waited for it to come.

So here is my crazy story: My daughter wanted to go to Target to get a book, so we went and in the parking lot I asked to hold her hand. I mentioned to her that the Beatles sang a song by the same title. A half hour later when we walked into Party City, that same Beatles song was on the radio. I said to my daughter: “Oh my gosh, listen, isn’t that weird? It’s synchronicity!”

Well, a young man at the counter looked at me and told me that it happens to him all the time too. He then proceeded to tell me about quantum theories, exactly the ones that I was reading about the night before in the book! But…it gets weirder. I called my wife to tell her about this as it was happening and also mentioned that Wisconsin was in my dream. She called me back a little later to tell me she just saw a guy (she was at the beach) with a Wisconsin shirt on. The way I take these uncanny experiences is that I am in the right place, in the right person, at the right time on my journey as a human being in a vast universe. I don’t understand it, but I relish it.

My own theory as to why synchronicity happens, and is happening for a lot of my clients recently, is that I am open to it. I try to live a mindful life, mindful of my thoughts, feelings, actions, relationships, body, and work. I try to keep my senses open, and to notice the world around me. To be free of my judgmental mind, push it aside and see the tapestry of life unfolding before me at any given moment. I try to remain in the flow. And by doing so, I think my window of consciousness for the mysteries of life is open to some degree. These amazing experiences fly through the window over and over again, availing themselves for me to partake in their mystery.

Did I cause them? Are they pure chance? Hard telling not knowing. So I invite you to start to pay attention to these major and minor episodes of your day. Remember your dreams and see if any connections happen from them. Pay attention to life at any given moment, resisting the temptation to be so self-absorbed and self-focused. There is a big unseen world out there that we get privy to for some reason. Keep the vessel open and reap the rewards. Post comments on the FB page too if you want to share any of your experiences.

Zero Reaction July

This past month I undertook an experiment: To sufficiently and consistently manage my actions on the face of ‘negative’ triggered emotional states. I originally wanted to call it Zero Stress July, but upon further reflection I realized that I can’t necessarily control or foresee situations that may pop up that I might feel stress. Case in point: My only major reaction all month was to being stuck in traffic on the ride up to vacation in Maine. We got off the highway for lunch and in downtown Kittery and the traffic was gridlocked. Being on the road for two hours already and ready to have a break, I felt stressed and reacted by raising my voice, being judgmental, and getting short with my family. This all lasted for about 5 or 10 minutes, when I realized what was going on, that I was having a knee jerk reaction to something I couldn’t control. My whole intention for Zero Reaction July was to take a month and be hyper focused on breathing in the face of any stressful feelings that came up from life situations. My hypothesis was that if I could breath and calm myself down in the face of my triggers, then I could actually keep my well-being intact and choose consciously what action I would take to remediate the stressful feeling. I forgot this in traffic and I had a minor meltdown.

What I teach and coach in my work is that negative actions or behaviors are not usually what support our highest values and aspirations for great relationships at home and at work. I call actions such as sarcasm, gossip, avoidance, eye rolling, and yelling negative because they don’t usually get us a desired result that we really want. How is gossiping about a co-worker’s tardiness going to resolve the issue? How is sarcasm about someone’s personal style going to change it? These actions are understandable because they are seeking to release the unease we feel in a situation, but they usually aren’t too helpful. And for that matter if we are in control of our own well-being, then we wouldn’t consciously choose to be negative. I haven’t met anyone yet in my work who wants to have negative reactions to others. But sometimes we feel that we are at our wits end and that yelling, for instance, is the only thing that will work (it does get results but also creates fear or frustration on those being yelled at).

One really interesting insight that came up for me in July was that if I feel hungry, agitated at all, or tired, then I will have the propensity to get triggered and react negatively more easily, as was the case on the highway (tired). I also realized that we have many expectations in life, such as having your child listen to you, that sometimes aren’t met. When our expectations are breeched we can have a tendency to have a knee-jerk reaction as well.

So all of July, I focused on breathing in the face of any negative feeling, such as anxiety, frustration, anger, loneliness, sadness, etc. When a negative feeling would pop in it was if an alarm went off in my head to take some deep breaths. What tends to happen to me is when I get frustrated I let out a deep sigh, like I have been burdened. I must admit that I caught myself sigh a few times, but the sigh would actually point me to deeper breathing instead of my head full of judgment and blame. Then when sufficiently calm, I could take an action that support my values. One action was to let go of whatever is bothering me, not in a denial way, but a self-coaching “this isn’t a big deal” sort of way, you know, sort of letting go of control. That worked sometimes. Another action was to state the feeling that I felt, such as “I am feeling frustrated that you are listening to daddy,” for instance. One other was to give feedback about a situation, which is similar to the last action, just a bit more formal. And yet one other one was to just change the setting or subject (like going outside for a walk, or turning some music on). Lastly, used sparingly, another action could be to be pointed, not mean, but straight in no uncertain terms with the person that you mean business. These are all more positive strategic actions that you can choose, the operative word being choose, when under duress, if you slow down enough to remember them and not fall prey to negativity.

I read a bumper sticker recently that said “Be calm, and Carry on”. This is the gist of what I am saying. Unfortunately it’s not that easy and I wonder if the person who’s car has this sticker remembers this under duress. My guess is probably not. It is an empty platitude until you put the rubber on the road and practice, practice, practice. This is what Zero Reaction July was all about. As a consequence of the positive outcomes of this practice, I am happy to report that I have moved into Zero Reaction August. I throw the gauntlet out to you and would love to hear comments about how it goes for you and what you find on this journey of lessening stress in your life.

Feedback for Feedback

Feedback is an immensely helpful tool in organizations. We need feedback to grow, learn, get better. 

I had the privilege of working with a colleague of mine yesterday to bring an hour of hard skills meets soft skills for business leaders and owners. The topic I chose to present on was the art of feedback. Feedback is an immensely helpful tool in organizations. We need feedback to grow, learn, get better. But, feedback is also uncomfortable to give at times because we risk conflict, upsetting others, and stirring the pot. This is a clash of values that I see all the time (even within myself): Tell the truth and be uncomfortable or not speak up and feel comfortable? Avoidance is easy, but it does have a cost: Nothing gets changed! And, I may add that being comfortable by avoidance feels good in the short term but is ultimately uncomfortable in the long run.

I define feedback as information delivered in the present moment about past performance or attitude to affect a future performance or attitude for the better. Feedback can be given as well as received, and it is either appreciative or constructive in my opinion. It is never meant to be destructive. Unfortunately when we get upset, we tend to give others feedback that is destructive, or at least negative: cold shoulder, eye rolls, stonewalling, yelling, etc. None of these actions are helpful. Feedback is a positive direct action that you can take to try to change something that seems amiss in your world.

So, here is the roadmap:

What is the problem? Example: A part designed by an engineer has a flaw in it.

Appreciation (Can you find one thing that you genuinely appreciate about this person?): For example (in a manufacturing setting): “I appreciate the time and detail you spent on the design of that metal part.”

Clear and Specific (What behavior do you want changed? What did you notice specifically that happened?): “I noticed however that part is susceptible to vibration based on its specs.”

Impact Describe the effect or feeling the errant behavior or outcome has on you, the customer and/or the business. : “If a customer has a faulty part then the products they are using the part in will be in jeopardy and this can have adverse consequences for their business.”

Request (What do you want to see specifically happen in the future; make a request on how it could be better). “So I would like you to rework the specs and make adjustments for the vibration potential.”

Now put all of these points (bolded in the above example) in a paragraph and deliver it. You can write it down for yourself first just to get clear on the points and practice it a few times before giving it. Delivering the feedback in person is the best way to proceed in my opinion. Make sure you are in a calm emotional space and conducive environment (not too noisy, etc.). Make sure to listen to how the person takes the feedback, they may have some valid points to consider that may shape your understanding of the situation differently. Most people upon hearing the feedback accept it and will change. This is what I call one-and-done feedback.

Some others may get defensive. If a person becomes defensive and begins to blame others, for example, simply take a deep breath and ask the person what they heard you say? This has them reiterate from their perspective what the feedback meant for them, what they heard. You may find that they are judging themselves too critically or that they have some information that you didn’t consider. Be open to changing your mind all the while staying firm in the outcome that you want. This is a delicate balance.

One other thing to consider is the possible emotional and mental space that the person you want to give feedback may be in at that particular time. For instance, if a person is just coming off an absence because of a family death, it might be good to wait a little while before delivering feedback.

Use these steps the next time you need to give someone in your business feedback. You’ll find that done right and often, feedback creates a culture that values it.

Team Building for a Large Group

I recently had the immense pleasure to facilitate a team building activity for 110 people for a local non-profit organization, where I do some work with various teams and leaders to support better communication and collaboration. My contribution for this activity was nested in the annual staff day. Upon talking to people about this event and reflecting on what activity would be best to do, I decided on the bridge building activity. The activity and game were very successful and I had just about 100% participation, which amounted to 110 people, by far the biggest group I had worked with heretofore. Below is most of the ‘speech’ I gave before the activity as well as the guidelines for the game itself. I began with getting the crowd to shout 3 times to my call “Are you ready?” to get some collective energy going. Then I thanked those people that brought me to the table as well as those people I work with in the agency. I also set up ground rules, such as no side conversations, bring your best to the game, be respectful of others’ styles, etc. Then I had people look across the table from one another and ascertain what they really love about working in the organization.

Today is very special and I am honored to be part of the festivities. This is an auspicious occasion to put our best feet forward and move in an energized collective direction. Change, challenges and even trauma are inevitable in life as well as org life. They can bring upset, volatility and negativity. Most of you folks have had your share of these things over the last couple years in your organization. But in the midst of change and challenge is an opportunity to come together, to foster positive regard and collaboration for the betterment of each other and the organization, to move forward in the best possible way. It is also an opportunity to understand yourself deeper and more fully. What do you need? What do you envision? What do you want? What makes you tick? These generative ideas and insights can cross-pollinate and take root over time when we reflect on them.

If I asked you all why you work here, most of you would say that you deeply care about the mission and relationships at this organization, that it’s not just a job. You resonate with the values of dignity, respect, and empowerment for those in need. And playing off these values the hope for the vibrant future lies with you! It is my belief that to build a culture of continued greatness, of positivity and transparency, of accountability and collaboration, it rests on each of our shoulders, not just the Executives and the Board. Each and every one of us has the ability to transform the agency in real time, right now, because the now is all we ever have. We can go from a collection of “I’s” to a collective “we”. After all there is no us vs. them. We are all on the same team, supporting the same mission and vision at the same organization. We just happen to do different roles.

So how can we achieve this? 5 things to think about: First off, we need to appreciate each other more. Not many people I have crossed paths with have complained about having too much of it. Best of all it is free. Dole out specific appreciation as much as you can. Secondly, getting to know each other is another paramount strategy. By building stronger relationships with people across departments people feel more connected and the us vs. them diminishes. Thirdly, managing your negative emotions and calming yourself down quick enough to not take a negative action. By understanding that you are 100% responsible for your emotions and actions liberates you to choose wisely how to address something challenging. Fourthly, the art of feedback, being able to talk straight to each other respectfully for what we are seeing and wanting to be different. It is risky but one of the most prescient tools that I know of to transform a culture. And finally, is our ability to listen deeply to each other. In the midst of a busy day, listening intently can take the backseat, which can cause a lot of problems and stress inadvertently. Open your ears more and you will reap the rewards.

So, today we are building a metaphorical bridge to the future and each other. A bridge is a structure that supports you to get from point A-B, to stop and reflect, or to get over some trouble or turbulence with ease. Sturdy bridges have solid foundations and enough support for each span so that it can take the load of the weight it is bearing. In the outer sense you act as bridges every day, connecting resources and services to people who desperately need them. What the bridge activity is about is a symbol of the internal bridge building that is needed to take this organization into a phenomenal future.
The bridge foundation is always trust, building trust through appreciation, relationship building and transparency. The supports are speaking up respectfully, managing negativity and listening well. The span is how these translate up and down and across the organization and hold each other accountable for the culture we want to create.

So now to the actual bridge building game: The purpose of this game is to foster friendly competition between teams, to build teamwork, to collaborate, to problem-solve and create and to learn about yourself on the team you are on.

Here is the objective: to build a bridge using newspaper and tape, that can support the water jug and have the basin pass through underneath the long way. There are many aspects to consider when contributing to the group: who is good at strategy, implementation, leadership? Also, consider how you facilitate the time together. Is it chaotic or do you put form to who speaks when? Only 3 groups will stand the test of the judges. You will be judged on creativity and functionality. It must be free standing, no taping it to the table.
You will have 8 minutes to plan it, feel free to use the paper on the tables to draw ideas. Then you will have 12 minutes to build. Then I will give you 4 minutes to re-assess then 6 minutes to finish. I will keep the time and let you know when to change. After we finish we will each show our bridge and the judges will take note. 3 groups will win a prize. Any questions?

Debrief questions (after building and judging): What did you learn about being part of this team? What did you learn about yourself? (have people shout out the answers one at a time).

Thank you for engaging in this activity and here is to the future of building bridges.

Stress and Mindfulness

We all know what stress feels like: Negative thoughts and emotions cloud our experience and leave us depleted. Upon a perceived non-ideal situation our brains have us react to these situations in a fight or flight mode. We either become aggressive, passive aggressive, or avoidant. If your boss wants you to do something but you don’t want to do it, it may feel too threatening to talk to him or her about it thus avoidance occurs and we effectively give a dishonest yes. If someone cuts you off in traffic you may be more apt to become aggressive because your job isn’t at stake. The body also takes a toll and the ‘stress response’ includes symptoms such as sour stomach, headache, tight chest, shallow breathing, and insomnia, to name a few. It manifests differently for each of us but is usually some combination of these. And…the ravages of stress in the long-term are well documented.

Certain stimuli give us a run for our money: Multi-tasking too many things at once, unresolved relationships or tasks, job dissatisfaction, lack of adequate pay, lack of appreciation, etc. Most times stress happens because of our reaction to stimuli in the environment; we create a lot of our stress by how we process and think about situations. Unfortunately it is literally impossible to think fully rationally when we are under stress, so our fight or flight reactions leave the situations perpetuated and stress unchallenged. There is hope however, that we can give ourselves the gift of less stress and happier lives. Mindfulness practice is one tool to help you get off the stress treadmill.

Mindfulness is our ability to live in the present moment. It allows us to create spaciousness where clutter exists. It allows us to get perspective on our situations without reacting so much and thus eliciting a calming response to our stressful reactions and feelings. When things happen that we don’t like we react with negative thoughts and feelings and think that the stimulus is to blame for how we are feeling. But we have it backwards. We are actually in charge of our thoughts and feelings and how we react or respond to stimuli. We may not always be able to control life, but we can control more our internal experience to give us more relief and perspective. Stimuli, thoughts, feelings, actions all happen in the present moment. Everything is NOW. The past or future are experienced as thoughts, bodily sensations, and feelings in the NOW. So everything is happening in real-time. As we realize that life is always in this moment we can become more in control of ourselves whatever the winds conjure up. But this takes practice.

Mindfulness is a practice of tuning into your experience of body, mind and emotions from moment-to-moment as much as we can. It is simply about noticing what is happening ‘out there’ and ‘in here’. This noticing is the ground for self-awareness and self-reflection. If things trigger a stress response and we can, instead of reacting with frustration, calm down and notice what triggered us and maybe how it could be different, then we have enacted a different operating system. Mindfulness gives us self-awareness, that tiny little window to know what is happening and thus giving us a choice on how to respond, instead of being knee-jerk and automatic in our reactions. Mindfulness is best achieved formally through the process of meditation, focusing on one’s breath in a calm environment. ‘Watching’ your breath helps you to anchor yourself in your body so that you can be more present with your body, thoughts, and emotions. You will find, as most people do, that there is a ‘monkey-mind’ syndrome that happens when you begin to sit in quiet. The thoughts in your head start to amplify and jump from one thing to another at lightning speed. This is natural, and uncomfortable. It is a challenge to see what is going on inside your head, but the more you give yourself this gift, the more mastery you will have over how you choose to respond to stimuli. Spaciousness begins to creep into your experience and you become more settled. Start small, 2 minutes in a chair or on the edge of your bed. Just sit, relax, breath, keep your back erect, and your eyes relaxed or closed.