8 Tips for Building Trust

Mutual trust is a shared belief that we can depend on each other to achieve a common purpose. Most management gurus articulate that trust is the most foundational thing that you can do to build a relationship, build a team, or build a company. Here are 8 tips to create or enhance trust in your unique world:

1. See other people not just as employees fulfilling a job description but as human beings with strengths and challenges, hopes and dreams just like you (humility, empathy, and common humanity);
2. Display genuine curiosity in getting to know people—show them that you truly are interested in them as a person and not just what they can do for you;
3. Display integrity and honesty with others by being impeccable with your word (fulfilling promises and commitments such as getting people resources they need, speaking the truth, not speaking negatively about others, confidentiality etc.);
4. Show genuine specific appreciation as much as possible;
5. Admit when you are wrong and seek corrective action (apology, etc.);
6. Actively seek feedback as to how you can make your relationships better;
7. Notice your tendency to take things personally and seek openly to understand why; we tend to want to protect our weaknesses from others and put on a mask, real trust requires vulnerability with showing our not-so-perfect self;
8. Use humor and lightheartedness as a tool for connection (e.g. don’t be too serious).

Intention and Impact

When was the last time you asked yourself how you impact other people (spouse, boss, co-worker, children, etc.)? I find that most of us have honest and wholesome intentions in terms of our behavior towards others. We don’t usually wake up and say “I can’t wait to impact people negatively today”. This is a beautiful part of our humanity, to have and uphold values of care, understanding, support, etc. And it is nice when the impact matches our positive intentions; all is right in the world. That being said, sometimes our intention does not match the impact on others. We may have a positive intention that leaves a negative impact. How is this possible? How could a good intention turn bad? One example from a business that I support: A co-worker wanted some training on another employee’s machine and asked the other machine operator for it. The machine operator said that he would train this person at a certain time. The boss then came in and asked this machine operator to do something else, which distracted the machine operator from following through on the training of his fellow worker (not a negative intention). The worker then became upset at the breech (negative impact) and began to avoid this person (negative intention stemming from a negative impact). This became a great coaching moment in the business for these two workers. The machine operator got to see that he made a misstep in forgetting to follow through and the co-worker was able to see that his negative impact caused him to react negatively. When I asked these two guys if they wanted to impact each other negatively they said an emphatic ‘NO!’. Yet, it happened. When we get triggered by others, we may have an assumption about the intent of the other person, as illustrated in this example. This can lead us to have a negative intention ourselves, which rarely leads to a positive impact. It would be interesting for you to contemplate and potentially ask for ways that we impact others negatively (often inadvertently of course). Methods such as 360 degree feedback instruments get at this in organizations. But you don’t have to be that formal. You can simply be more on to yourself and/or you can ask others. But behold, you must be ready for the feedback you get as it may not be pretty. This is an aspect of our journey to mastery, use it liberally.

The Folly of Defensiveness

When was the last time you got defensive in the face of information about YOU that you didn’t want to hear? We all know what this feels like: an attack on the very fabric of who we think we are or what we stand for. Becoming defensive is a strategy we take to take the heat off owning up to something not so pretty about ourselves. This largely happens outside our conscious choice and we become victims of the circumstance at hand. Question though: Why would we ever have to feel defensive? What are we trying to defend? Behind the wall of guardedness lay an immaculate truth about yourself. It could be a less-than-ideal image or thought about yourself, a past trauma or hurt, or something else lurking behind there. Usually defensiveness comes out as aggressiveness, like sending back an email message laden with frustration for example. It is even worse when someone confronts you negatively about something you did wrong, or not up to their expectations.

If you become adept at letting your guard down and stopping the defensiveness to see if there is something you can own up to and what that means to your ego, something interesting happens. First, anxiety overtakes you because the information given dislodges the image or persona that you project outward. This is very unsettling and the tendency to want to fight back or avoid the situation comes up. But, if you can sit with the anxiety and let it breath, let it be what it is, even though it feels uncomfortable, at a certain point clarity will come through the confusing cloud of unknowing. On the other side of defensiveness is the promise land, that place that realizes that the good and bad are two sides of the same coin. If you can acknowledge and befriend those broken and unresolved parts of yourself you in essence fortify yourself to other assaults, because the jig is up. You don’t have to pretend to be something you are not. Defensiveness is an action we take from a triggered situation, which leaves a disconnected result. Few people can trod this path of excellence. Be one of those few.

Calming tactics

In order to manage our energy well in any relationship and live our values (e.g. kindness, honesty, etc.), we need a calming tactic. When we get negatively emotionally triggered by situations, we tend to react with a negative action. This does not support excellence in our inner world or to those in our outer world. A calming tactic is that specific thing that you use to push the pause or stop button on your actions under duress. When you are able to sufficiently pause for a moment or minutes or hours or days, we calm down and are able to think about our values before we act. Then we are not in the grips of a knee-jerk reaction, rather we are able to respond with an action stemming from the rememberance of our values. This one thing will pay HUGE dividends. Since I have been meditating for many years a tactic I use is to take a deep breath or two and notice my feelings regarding a particular situation. It could be a parenting, spousal, work, or life situation so this translates across all domains of our lives. Some people use a coaching or spiritual phrase or mantra, some use a little break, some use “I” statements for what they are feeling in that moment (instead of blame). I encourage you to assess if you have a tactic or two in your pocket. How does it or they work for you? What is your experience and track record with them? If you don’t have them I encourage you to begin to develop this relational art form. As you put this tactic to the test you may find incredible results. As you step back from an emotional trigger, you get distance from it and you are able to work with it instead of the trigger controlling you and your reactions and have you falling into blame. As John Yokoyama said “Blame is a lousy teacher”. Blame keeps us in perpetual dysfunction. We cannot control the outside, but we can control our inside! This isn’t to say others aren’t doing things that we don’t like, this is life after all. But…with a calming tactic or two in your pocket you will be able to navigate life’s situations more adeptly and aligned with what you really want.

Get the results you want

So, here is an action item that you can take: homework if you will. Start to take mental note of those things at work (or at home) that are bothersome to you. Maybe a co-worker is negative, maybe you are feeling overwhelmed with workload. Whatever is the case take stock at those pesky situations. Next see what you do in the face of them. Do you avoid? Do you become sarcastic? Do you become a jerk? There is a ton of power in realizing how you act in the face of a non-ideal situation. If you ascertain that you handle the situations well, pass go and collect $200. If not, this is a time to uphold your values. What kind of parent, worker, manager do you really want to be? What is important to you? When you get clear on this, your actions can flow from them. But…of course you need to calm down a little in the face of a trigger to see this north star of values. Otherwise we are in fight or flight mode and that’s no fun for anybody, and doesn’t really produce the results we want.